Honestly I fucking hate life right now. I met another tantra masseur who I deeply connected to immediately. We were holding hands for a long time looking deeply into eyes and I suggested we skip the event where we met and immediately go into tantric connection. She is Scorpio cancer asc I am cancer cancer asc... She was open to the idea but said she wants to experience the event since she is here for the first time. Suddenly I don't see her anymore and I thought she left the event. She comes back saying she didn't like the music. I ask if she needs anything she says she could use a sweater. I leave to get one and only 5 minutes pass I see her intimately contact dancing with another guy. I leave to meditate on it to disconnect. When I come back I still see them talking. I take my stuff - leave the event early. Nothing in me felt like staying. Just before we talked about how wee dislike when energies mix in cuddle puddles. This felt the same to me. I feel used. she said I opened her heart once that activation happened she moved on. It seems women have been using me all this time for their benefit even if I don't give a healing container consciously. Basically I am looking for a real partner while they just search for a way to upgrade their energy system. She basically used our long hand holding to upgrade herself. I purposefully stopped being a tantra masseur because I wanted to escape this healer dynamic. The only realization today is that I can't escape this. Its like a curse. And because of my awakening it's even more intense. It's really fucking annoying. I don't want to be a healer anymore. I want a partner